This week’s workshop was interesting, it didn’t go as planned, but some of the conversations we had as a class were enlightening and I felt that they were important. I wrote my research on a black piece of paper with chalk. I ended up kneeling on the chalk in my black jeans, this workshop left a mark.
I felt very watched last week after posting my week three post, I felt like I had exposed my body and living space which made me feel vulnerable. This triggered the thought: when am I not being watched? Nobody knows how I exist as myself, they only know the watched version of me. In particular, the watched version of me under the eye of the male gaze. Even when I’m by myself, I am still being watched because the make gaze for me is wholly internalised. This feeling of being watched by the patriarchy makes my personal growth and academic growth stunted it makes me self conscious. This week I tried to actively perform for the make gaze to see how it felt and looked. I felt more attractive when I performed for the male gaze, but on the flip side, I felt more myself when I did things that weren’t traditionally very feminine (taking up space, being loud and moving aggressively). How do I strike this balance to achieve femineity without bowing to the male gaze?
for the male gaze:
anti male gaze:
I still love moving my body as much as last week- I feel so free, like I had been waiting my whole life to use my body in this way. Before this, I felt that my body was bound by my own insecurities and wanting to fit in with my environment. Now I move how I want to move, and I act how I want to act, not because of my environment, but because I am becoming my most whole self.
Watching powerful women perform has empowered me to move my body for the purpose of expression rather than for the male gaze. Florence Welch is perfect example as she moves so beautifully for the love of creativity and the music she creates. It doesn’t feel like she’s performing for an audience, but rather for her inner and artist.