Group meeting outside class
Meeting each other weekly to get to know each other better
the class : second documentation lecture
Booking the project room Friday to film my project with Charly in the morning and experiment with Sofia in the afternoon.
visiting the Arts Centre
totally inspired by the large spaces
taking notes for the meeting with Charly
I took notes to help Charly understand the performances I wanted to do in the project room. Notes to help with realisation visualization.
As aforementioned, I had planned to perform in the project room Friday, booked all the equipment and storm Eunice happened instead so we postponed it. That was such a surprise especially since I was so mentally prepared to perform after all the preparation! Yet it is okay, I didn’t lose my determination or anything, I was just hoping that the coastline wouldn’t be too damaged by the weather. I am sure that the storm was more difficult to go through for many, I am thankful that we were safe.
As far as I am concerned, the biggest difference between 2nd year and this 3rd semester is that last year, I was concentrating on experimenting and trying to find my voice whereas in 3rd semester, I am focused on building discipline. Building discipline is something that has been my main goal this semester. I wanted to practice my obedience, my endurance, and my resistance to pain.
Building discipline is such an important part of my creative practice. It brought a completely new lifestyle. With performance art and especially dance performance, my main idea was to cultivate my mind-body connection so that I could have a wider range of movement possible and so that I could learn new things about my body. For this to be possible, I have created the habit to nurture my body. I pay attention to what I consume and what I do. I wake up at 5:30 to go to the gym for two hours 5 days a week, I stretch my body everyday and I am starting ballet classes. My goals are to become stronger, cultivate my kinaesthetic awareness, my proprioception, my discipline, and resistance to pain. Dancing is also one of the things that I have been avoiding in my head so I feel like this is what I have to do. Building discipline isn’t about my physical health, I am also dedicating a lot of time to my spirituality which I cultivate by practising, reading books about my faith, listening to podcasts, etc. It is something very new to me, I really care about not losing focus with doubt, anxiety, distractions, etc and remain focused on what is important. It is not the easiest but discipline helps as as soon as negative feeling arise, I focus on my spirituality. In order to stimulate my mind, I have also been reading a lot and making artist research. I have been focusing more on dance theory and read about artists like Anna Halprin and Pina Bausch.
One of my favourite recent philosophy reads has been about dancing theory :
Because of discipline, my creative practice is noticeable everyday, I am focused on cultivating my body, my mind and spirit in order to be able to be a performance artist using my body to express myself. I starting tracking my habits with more precision and I dedicate every day and moment to improve myself, stay healthy and disciplined. I am not going out, drinking alcohol or coffee because it slows down my work. My self-development work.
Another reason why I have built a much stronger discipline and organization is that I have noticed that I have relapsed into doubt after sexual trauma. (TW: rape) After getting raped twice, making a lot of releasing art, reading about sexuality, going to therapy, I felt better. I accepted the situation and made positive progress in my healing journey. Yet, I noticed that I am affected by it again, I am having doubts about my own narrative and questioning my legitimacy. The worst part of these ruminations is that something in my head keeps trying to convince me that it is all my fault. Therefore, going back to my healing journey and building a stronger discipline was necessary for me so as to not let myself down completely.
I have been re-exploring the theme of sexuality as well because it has been consuming and affecting me so much that I have to make art about it.
Exhibition project about it : pictures with Charly, repertoire of the shapes and positions I can put myself in / If I could make a connection and conceive another hypothetical exhibition, I would probably exhibit at the “our body, our archive” exhibition at the Tate museum
Embodying the curve, drawing with my body, images
Writing texts about stretching (draft)
on eroticism and stretching
As an art performer using my body to express myself, I spend a lot of time nurturing the connection I have with my body. I keep my balance, my sense of self, my resistance to pain, my health, my proprioception on a regular basis. During those moments of profound solicitude, I discovered that there is intimacy in stretching my body.
Stretching is difficult, the difficulty sits more on an emotional than physical level especially on my hips, where all is stored. I empty myself and cry everytime I stretch by reaching a sensitive zone of vulnerability. I feel my body transgressing my mind’s limit. This transgression through extreme pain brings some sort of pleasure and euphoria, I found that sort of sophisticated pain Ballet dancing too.
There is something that mesmerizes me in the process of “déployer” our body, unfolding each member of our body gently like a bird spread its wings. Stretching the body is showing the extent of our completion on a physical level but also on a spiritual level. Being comfortable in our body and being able to cultivate a profound connection between spirit and body reveals a different sort of confidence and intelligence. We express ourselves through embodiment when what is cultivated inside ourselves is shining through our external envelope. This is the result of a work which demands control, technique, discipline, rigour, patience, and endurance to pain. When we are stretching our body and trying different body positions, we are also measuring ourselves, humbling ourselves in front of the bodily human condition.
Opening up, Spreading my legs, Arching my back.
Stretching is reaching the boundaries of our capacity (or the idea we have of our capacity) and overcoming it. Opening wounds on purpose. Triggering ourselves.
Writing erotic poetry
“My plan” :
An anthology of poetry about the aesthetics of the erotic infused with classical art and biblical references. I will be writing positively about physical intimacy from my own point of view as an artist in an attempt to discover the beauty of sex after trauma.
The collection of poetry will explore different themes such as :
- The reasons why I am writing it
- Sex as a spiritual mystery
- Our body as a divine design
- The ecstasy in the feeling of being one
My womb is a wound after
I got raped. Twice. What a miracle that I am alive! I had lost enough blood to fill a pitcher
thank you for I could have died any second without you Father
yet you were with me and you still are, even when I suffer.
My love, my angel
My love, my angel contributed
To the absolution of a myth
That used bind my hands together
And keep me prisoner
He told me I could be saved
He told me I could be born again from water.
I dream of a light covering me
Gently, protecting me
As immaculate drapes cascading down my body
I would lay as an ancient Mediterranean figure
Graceful in spirit, under his marble stature.
Then, lifting the lace veil off my face, I dream to let him see me
His knuckle caressing the curve of my left cheek…
I dream of a light covering us
Gently, protecting us
I dream… I close my eyes and under my eyelids, I see.
Coloured vapours, ethereal breath
Looking for the Earth beneath
Our corpses lying under
Until then, we wait.
To become like two praying hands,
One, melting into one another.
The essence of the aesthetic
I know his fragrance is so delightful
that if I followed its trail,
And smelt it longer,
I would become it. So…
There lies the difficulty of capturing
the aesthetics of the erotic!