week six

I have been determined this week to get out into the public again. I have definitely been hiding too much, although it was beneficial last week for me to put my guard up slightly and explore some of my inner workings. It’s time to keep pushing myself now.

During my one-to-one with Miranda this week, I explained to her how I was struggling to come to into the public. Being out in public gives me a heavy amount of anxiety, as I want to be seen but not judged. I want to be admired, but not shunned. Miranda suggested that I have some kind of routine before going out to prep myself for the public gaze.

I decided to dance in the kitchen before going out, as I felt that this would get rid of some of my self-consciousness and maybe even reveal a more confident alter-ego.

I do feel self conscious about posting these images, but I was having such a good time and I tried to not judge myself too harshly when watching the video back. I looked past my embarrassment to see the uninhabited fun that I was having in the moment. I think that’s all that matters. It’s also nice to see me having fun in body, which I don’t often get to see or feel.

My intention for this week was to go down to the beach and collect things from the shore that I could sew onto parts of my tapestry. I chose the beach as I associate the ocean with the loss of a close person in my life.

It was hard being there without them. They have been at the forefront of my mind recently so doing anything reminds me of them.

When I arrived at the beach, the light was beautiful and I was so glad I was there. I hadn’t stood on the sand in a while and it was lovely to feel the outside properly and appreciate ocean without feeling rushed.

I started to walk along the beach to try and find objects that had been washed up. I walked past wood, fishing line, empty cans of Carling, a piece of green foam, and an abandoned tennis ball.

The object that caught my eye the most was an old Coca Cola can, it had definitely been washed up and not littered. You can see how the red had been corroded away and how the aluminium had been cracked and broken by the ocean. I decided to pick up this can and take it with me. I didn’t know what I was going to with the can, but I felt that I didn’t want to leave it. I feel like it had made it’s journey to me and that it wanted to be rescued.

I kept walking along the beach and I remembered I had put a pen in my pocket. A large flat stone caught my eye and I felt the urge to write on the stone. I liked the idea that someone would read the writing on the stone and think about where they were. Maybe they would have a moment of introspection.

I over thought me writing; ‘are you lost too’? and I was worried someone would have thought that I had been kidnapped. So I decided I wanted to return the stone to the see so that no one would be able to see what I wrote. I also felt guilty writing on the stone with marker- I felt like I had violated a part of nature that I had no right to violate. I let the ocean wash the guilt and the marker away.

The ocean got me back for graffitiing something that belonged to it-my shoes and socks got soaked as I stepped too close to the rolling tide.

I felt like I was getting in my own head about what I was doing, so I went further down the beach to sit on the pebbles. I ran into a friend and we spoke for a while, it was lovely to speak to her and it grounded me. I picked up a stone next to me and it fit perfectly in the palm of my hand. It was like I was holding hands with something that was made to fit me.

I sat on the beach for about an hour, I was getting cold. I had to leave this stone behind, I didn’t want to. I don’t know why I get attached to such senseless objects if I feel like I found them.

On the way home I felt like I wanted to keep walking for a while but I was tired. I stopped and watched the murmurations on a bench. How do all these birds know to move together? How far had they travelled that day?

When I had returned home, I knew what I wanted to do with the Coke can that I had found. I decided to put it in my recycling bin so that it could have the chance to be something else. Maybe it will turn into a car bonnet, a window latch, or maybe it will just be turned back into a can.

I found today very freeing and it was so refreshing to be outside for an extended period of time. I was particularly moved by the rock that I found. I find that hands keep being a reoccurring theme in my work- without my hands, I would not be able to make and feel. Today also helped me realise that I am far less self conscious in public than I believe that I am in my head. In reality, everyone is too swept up in their own lives to look at me twice.

I didn’t find too many objects on the beach, only a few fragments of paper that looked like a ripped up note. I also saw a head of a rose. I also found the tab of a zip lock bag that I kept.

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Below is my reaction to my experiences this week. This piece is based on an emotional reaction to a dream that I had on Saturday night, along with how I felt during my adventure on the beach.

I was thinking back to the rain in week one- wash away the negative emotions.

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