I preferred the lecture from last week, as I feel like I produced better notes in that lecture.
I think I made better work in the previous lecture because I felt less self-conscious. I felt so self-conscious this week. I feel self-conscious that anyone can see my work and I’m uncomfortable with their judgements, whether I receive them or not. I think this semester will not just be a journey of my physical project, but also of my personal growth and getting used to having my work accessible. It upsets me that sharing my work that I am passionate about doesn’t come naturally to me. I hope that I will get over it.
I felt connected to the slow TV clip of the Norwegian Artic Circle in this lecture. I love how somewhat meaningless and simple this video is but how nostalgia it evokes. This video reminds me of the long journeys I would take in the back of my parent’s car as a child. I also enjoyed Sarah Turner’s ‘poetic essay’, Perestroika, about her feelings of loss and memory.
In my mind, these two videos go together, as the slow TV clip gives me the feeling of childhood innocence of looking forward to the destination of a journey and the excitement felt before reaching somewhere new. This clip feels like the journey-to. Perestroika feels like a journey away from; like the feeling of grief and acceptance.
Both videos evoke deep feelings within me, as the contrast of these two videos made me realise that I am in the journey away from. Away from my childhood, my family, my memories, my comfort zone, away from being care-free. I don’t want to be on this unknown journey of the away from. But I don’t really have any choice.
I also went back and watched the whole of 1917 this week. I made notes on the film that I wrote directly after watching:
To summarise, I thought the film was an excellent example of a journey. I wrote in my notes that I found the movie extremely inspiring. Although this film was a good example of a journey, there is a certainty that does not translate into being a totally unknown journey. At the end of the 2 hours the viewer knows that the film will end. We also know at least one of the main characters will survive as to not break the steady pace and long shooting of the movie.
I felt a sense of jealousy when watching this film. I was jealous of Schofield’s feeling of relief after his brutal journey. I want to feel that relief, the feeling of relief you feel after being put through something as horrific as he had been through. I am still yet to feel relief from some of my own negative experiences.
I wanted to start my exploration of unknown places this week so I went on a walk with my sketchbook in a direction that I had never been in. After listening to Turner’s poetic essays I was inspired to write a piece of reflective poetry before my journey:
I wrote this piece on my tablecloth that protects my desk. I wrote this poem spontaneously; I grabbed a pen from my pot and just let the words flow from my mind and body into the world like a waterfall. I wrote the poem next to an old picture of my mom like a text to her, I wanted to let her know what I was doing. I also wrote a piece of writing in purple pen in my sketchbook that related to her and her old coat. I felt the signature heaviness in my chest and sat on the stairs for a couple of minutes to try and release some of the feeling.
I finally left the house and turned out of my street towards the unknown. I mostly went by feeling and intuition. I felt danger, grief, the cold rain (once again), I saw and heard the cars whizz past, I tasted the fizzing of my nose and the cup of tea I had earlier that morning, I smelt the damp soil of the sodden plants that I moved by. I liked this cocktail of my senses.
I turned into a cul-de-sac and felt this was the right place to start making in my sketchbook. I was drawn to this place as it was quiet and there wasn’t that many around people around. I started to draw and write what I could see and feel. I glued a flower and leaf to the middle of page to take a souvenir with me. I wanted to make more but I started to get self-conscious, so I left hastily. I wasn’t happy with what I made or the amount. I didn’t feel like I achieved what I set out to do: to capture the place I was in.
I did record my journey with my phone as I walked, however the audio was distorted from the sound of my coat and the road, so you can’t hear me speak at all. I still like the audio as it is quite ambient.
I think this self-consciousness stunted my creativity this week as I haven’t produced as much work as I would have liked to. This is making me more determined next week to go headfirst into the project. After my tutorial I need to do some substantial reading, hone my artist research and to keep making as much as I can to progress my ideas.
The key idea for week four: less thinking, more doing.